I’ll be watching as you descend
See your ego burn down to the ground
and I will not falter, as I witness
the crumbling of your miserable life
down to its foundations

And as hours pass
ambers will slowly fade

The wind won’t help you rekindle
The fire that you’ve started
Your existence will be forgotten

Nobody will ever notice that you’re gone
You are done

At school again.. Hindi sumasabay sa mga classmates ko na adik sa Farmville
at ang kanilang trabahong mag harvest ng kanilang mga "virtual gulay". Kaya
napaisip na lang ako at nambwisit sa facebook ahehe.. tapos i stumbled upon
something na interested ako. nakita ko sa account ng isang kaibigan ang isang
list ng names ng musicians. as a musician/music lover, medyo naglaro sa isip
ko ang situation na yun, at eto ang kinalabasan:

Stuck in a desert island. You can only listen to 40 artists the whole time you're stranded.

(i had to sacrifice ung mga singles na gusto ko, kasi artist daw ung kailangan e ahehe.. tsaka next time na yung madadrama at malalambing na entry.. :D)

In no particular order:

1) City and Colour
2) Urbandub
3) Anberlin
4) Copeland
5) Dashboard Confessional
6) Kaiser Chiefs
7) The Killers
8) Dishwalla
9) Faspitch
10) Lamb of God
11) Pantera
12) Foo Fighters
13) Goo Goo Dolls
14) Splender
15) Sentenced
16) The Cardigans
17) Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
18) Ludwig Van Beethoven
19) December Avenue
20) John Mayer
21) Smashing Pumpkins
22) Cannibal Corpse
23) Megadeth
24) Vanessa Carlton
25) England Dan and John Ford Coley
26) Norah Jones
27) Sergio Mendes
28) John Mayer
29) Paramore
30) Testament
31) A Perfect Circle
32) Suffocation
33) The Ataris
34) Alvin de Leon
35) Mr. Big
36) Fall Out Boy
37) Dream Theater
38) Korn
39) Jim Croce
40) Stephen Bishop (because of "Parked Cars") :D

Sino dito ang pinapakinggan nyo din?

It's been a long time na talaga, mukhang naubos na
lahat ng tao dito sa tabulas ah ahehehe.. wala na
yung mga familiar usernames at ang mga kaibigang
nakilala ko dito, si KOMIKERO na lang ang natira
ahehehe... dko tuloy alam kung ano ang gagawin ko,
would i stick to tabulas or should i make another
blog sa ibang blogsite? **think think**


ung mga patay na account jan ng mga kaibigan ko dito,
irevive nyo na ang mga yan! palaguin nating muli ang
website ng tabulas! lol

~Crash And Burn~

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart
I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take anymore

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
You're caught in a one way street
With the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel like you can't face the day

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

'Cause there has always been heartache and pain
And when it's over you'll breathe again
You'll breath again

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please
To tame your wild wild heart

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

This entry contained scripting, which has been removed for your safety. Click here to see the entry in its entirety.

napakadaming ng nangyari. pero bakit parang walang pagbabago? pareho pa rin ang nararamdaman ko. di ko alam kung pinipilit ko ba talagang kalimutan ang dapat ng mawala o pinipigilan ko itong maglaho. mahirap makipaglaban sa sarili. mahirap matupad and imposible pero madali lang sanang makuntento kung ang nasa isip ko ay kung ano na ako.

1. Name: bianxraquel
2. Age: 26
3. Birthday: 10/11/83
4. Location: QC, La Union
5. School: Siena College QC, Christ the King College, La Union National High School, UP College Baguio, FEU - Fern Diliman, Our Lady of Fatima University Valenzuela, La Union College of Nursing, Arts and Sciences. Hey, what can I say? I love schools.
6. Height: 5'4
7. Bloodtype: O
8. Religion: Catholic
9. Hobbies: I like to listen to all sorts of music, I have a knack for taking photos of everything that piques my interest, I sometimes write crap in this blog, I was once a very mushy person who used to create poetry (depending on the guy she meets) rofl
10. Personality: Slightly introverted; Extremely Shy, but becomes uber-confident when drunk
11. When you're the happiest: When there's food, when there's something to read, when I hang out at the beach, and when I hang out with someone who shall not be named. Voldemort? Hoho.
12. Your biggest complaint currently: I need a paying job. Tsss
13. What you wear when you sleep: Shirt and shorts
14. A hairstyle you like on the opposite gender: Long Haired and/or Short Haired ones with a tinge of goatee. It depends really. I usually get attracted to long haired guys, I tend to stare at them more than the short-haired ones. But if I were like, serious with someone I usually don't care anymore. I mean it's just hair, if I like 'em long on someone they could always grow it back anyway.
15. Ideal guy: Someone I can be best friends with at the same time; smart, understanding, extremely sweet, romantic, mushy regardless of how 'metal' he is, someone I can go to places with and not give a damn about where, someone I can enjoy doing things with without being awkward or uncomfy. A musician, an artist, a writer. Any and all. I don't know. I've always liked the artsy/musician types.
16. Habits: Moderate www.filipinometal.com/forums, go online for hours on end, read books, watch dvd's, eat, sleep, smoke, drink, repeat
17. Favorite fruit: Mango, Banana, Pineapple
18. Favorite vegetable: Squash, Brocolli, Potatoes, String Beans, Sitaw, Sayote
19. Guy celebrities you think are good looking: Johnny Depp baby
20. Girl celebrities you think are pretty: Charlize Theron would be one. Then there's Kate Hudson
21. A treasured posession: I don't know...
22. Numbers you like: 11, 8, 15, 16, 27
23. Things that stress you: Nursing Career Path and not having any income for the past 9 months
24. My bad qualities: I have a tendency of becoming too clingy and emotional, paranoid at times. But I'm working on them. At least it's not as evident as before.
25. Your mood right now: Just plain tired.
26. What you want to do right now: I want to hug someone so badly right now.
27. A kid you like: My brothers Enzo and Miguel
28. Food you like: Anything meat! But lately I'm loving lamb and beef longganisa, and bawit's cebu longganisa. I like tocino too. and Sisig. And I'll never live to see 60. Lol
29. Food you don't like: Ampalaya. Kahit ikuskos mo pa siya sa asin para hindi maging mapait. No way man.
30. Shoe size: 8 1/2?
31. Drinking capacity: It depends on the day, who I'm drinking with and if I feel like drinking. There was one time I outdrank all my guy tropas, there were times when all we had was wine and I had to crawl on the way home
32. Cigarette: I started with Marlboro Greens when I was in Highschool. Then it shifted to Marlboro Reds + Snow Bear; then it was Marlboro Gold. There was a time that I even smoked Phillip Morris. Now it's back to Marlboro Greens.
33. A movie that made you sad: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
34. A childhood dream: To be a Cardiovascular Surgeon. Now I know why I couldn't be, and why I wanted to be one before. (grins)
35. Motto: Mmmm.
36. Bedtime: Weee hours of the morning
37. Your future hope: successful nurse, steady income, married, family, happy.
38. Do you think you're the type that laughs easily: It depends on who makes me laugh
39. Something you cook well: eggs! and mmm. hotdogs. anything processed, fried or instant
40. Where do you live right now?:that's a weird question. I still don't know. I'm not very sure. But I live anywhere my heart leads me to.
41. A event that remains in your memory: A lot. Read my blog and these are the memories, bad and good.
42. What you say often: Sheesh
43. First kiss: I dont remember
44. If you did, where: refer to answer above
45. When you see a guy, where do you look first: Any part of the face.
46. If you suddenly got a million dollars?: I'd have my family buy whatever they want first, whatever's left of the million dollars, I'd spend it on myself. Like... a nice DSLR, a car maybe, and a place of my own.
47. A drama that you had fun watching?: I dont like drama.
48. A movie you had fun watching?: Anything with Adam Sandler in it.
49. Eyesight: 20/20 yata
50. Destressing methods: Sleep. Getting myself drunk to release the stress. Cry.
51. What you want to learn: i want to learn how to unlearn things so i could start anew.
64. What you want to do: I want to be happy.
65. If your boyfriend was dying: I would never leave his side. Except for bathroom breaks.
66. When do you feel like you hate yourself: All the time.
67. About relationships before marriage: I feel like I suck at relationships. So I don't know
68. Lifestyle principle: Live your life one day at a time. Never expect too much, or too little. Be happy for the moment, and when there are regrets, take them as life lessons and start all over again. You'd be scared, yes, but eventually you'll get there, be with someone you've always wanted, and be loved the way you've always dreamed of being loved.
69. Weather that I like: Whatever weather it is just before Christmas
70. When is your TV time: Almost never
71. Precious friends: Diwi, Louie, Mel Manyak, Karen, Kel and hmm who else.
72. Life is?: this.
73. Favorite drink: Red Horse, Red Wine, Vodka-Sprite, Rhum-Coke
74. Favorite meal: Tocilog, Sisilog, LAMB gosh
75: Favorite cookies: Chips Ahoy
76. If you break up with your boyfriend, you would go: Done. I've grown apathetic to the last break up that it just didn't matter anymore.
77. A teacher you respect: My philosophy professor in UP College Baguio and the finance professor at FEU Fern. But I forgot their names.
78. Introduce your family: Hi. My name is bianx and I have four siblings, two from my mom, and two from my dad. See, they long since separated when I was six. Then they remarried. From my mom there's Enzo who is now 14 and Miguel, who is 17 and taking up Entrepreneurship. Both study in Angelicum. Now as for my other two siblings, they're both in La Union. One is Henry Arvin, and I don't know how old he is now, and there's Haidi Jarene. I think they're 15 and 11 respectively. So I'm the eldest of us five.
79. Happiness is: appreciating the simplest things in life. (I couldn't have said it better myself)
80. A birthday present that you remember most: Highschool. When my mom gave me this small inspirational book with quotes in 'em.
81. Favorite animal: Dog
82. Favorite plant: Uhm. I don't like plants. Except maybe if it's the small cactuses that doesn't need much watering.
83. Favorite season: Just before christmas, whatever you call that season. Oh I like surfing season
84. About antis: ?
85. If you had to choose between love or friendship: I say both. But it starts with the latter, so it will just eventually sprout, you know, that overrated word. Bleh. I mean love.
86. If the world was to come to an end tomorrow: then I hope it's not too painful.
87. Singing skills: Only in videokes!
88. Dancing skills: I used to be part of the Dance Varsity in UP Baguio called 'Tayaw'. We used to do modern/ethnic interpretative dances that involves much splits, high kicks and skimpy skin-tight tights..
89. Your theme song: I have two. 3 Libras by A Perfect Circle and Gorecki by Lamb
90. Current obsession?: a DSLR. Nikon D60 and a VR 18 - 200 mm lens
91. Favorite fruit tree: Mmmmm.
92. What do you feel about relationships where a girl is older than the boy: Uhm, never tried so no idea.
93. If you were to die tomorrow: there's not much I can do.
94. When do you want to marry: I don't know really. I'd be lucky if I ever get married. I've had thoughts that I may never will, just because nothing ever works out for me
95. Yourself 20 years later: Hopefully happy.
96. A country you want to see the most: Italy!
97. E-mail: ? bianxraquel@yahoo.com
98. What you want to say to those who read this: Hey ho, let's go!
99. If you had a trait you want to fix: Be more sociable
100. Last word: Word.

Sometimes, I don't get myself anymore. Why I am the way I was, why I leave QC for La Union. I always used to say that in La Union, I am happy. Now I know what the difference is between happy - La Union and happy - Manila - Now.

In La Union, I feel free. There is no limit to the hours I can go out, the places I can go to. I am free; some people call my name and I have no idea who they are. San Fernando is too small a town - it's a place where you can win small literary contests in and have everybody know who you are the succeeding days. I felt free; on days when I am extremely depressed, I could just go to the nearby surf capital of the North, San Juan, buy myself a beer and watch the sunset.

I have tasted the good life, really, having been subjected to the basketball treatment (where I used to be the ball and I get tossed around from one place to another, by my dad, my mom, my grandmom and an aunt) and Quezon City, Diliman, Meycauayan and La Union were the home courts. I've tasted luxury, I know what it felt like to live extravagantly from at least two out of the three home courts. But it all boils down to this: simple things - that's what makes me happy.

And again, happy, being the overrated word that it is, is just that again. A word. A word that I rarely use, but I'm using it now.

But what are simple things? Eat street food. Hang out at your fave spot without spending too much except for the occasional booze and obligatory cigarettes. Eat tocilog at your neighborhood Pares house. Taking long walks along Session Road and/or Burnham Park, alone. Watching passers-by and being fascinated by them while sipping your morning coffee. Going online for hours on end. Go to the mall and window shop. Go to the metal gigs that you so love. Soundtrip for hours while staring at the ceiling. Taking photos of random things. Simple things that do not involve money (or too much of it). Simple, fun things. Things that you do that are never high maintenance; things that you do that most people would say 'yuck' to.

Going back, happiness in La Union is happiness when I am alone. Now, although I am technically alone, I don't feel so lonely anymore.

I love hangouts. I love isaw. I love lamb. I love beef longganisa. I love everything about the last two weeks. Heck, include September. There is nothing that I would change, save for probably the initial purpose as to how it came to be. But I find it nice, and more of a blessing in disguise. 

Freeze moments. I hope it's possible. So I can put them in a li'l box and have an excuse to be nostalgic.

Happiness is overrated. But what can I say? I haven't felt happiness in such a long time that NOW is a good, good opportunity to say that I FEEL it. And this time I know why.

Someone makes me happy, surprisingly. There was a time when I long stopped believing that I would get to meet someone who actually will. Well, of course, when a person gets depressed at times the last thing that comes to mind is 'hope.' This is what happened to me for the past few years. I stopped caring for myself just to please someone else. I was not happy. I thought I was, because the last thing I wanted to happen is be left all alone again, and be abandoned and what not. Fear of abandonment, if you want to call it.

Why did it take me five years to come to this realization?

I'd be lying if I've said I don't know why. The only excuse that I could come up with is the fact that I have spent too many years with just this one person and it's pretty hard to start anew with someone else. You know someone too much and it becomes hard to let go no matter how sour the relationship gets. This is what happened, see.

I am happy now for some uncanny reason. If I were any younger, I would probably talk about this guy who I'd have hopes of being together with "officially" but no. Not this time. I am not the same hopeless romantic "tanga" person that I used to be. So what's the difference with bianx now and bianx then when it comes to the so-called happiness that she kept on preaching about years ago, after numerous guys who promised her forever?

This time, I set no expectations. I am very grateful for having met this wonderful, wonderful person. I am not hoping, not waiting, not expecting. The one thing that I can't NOT do is to miss this person. I miss him everyday.

I used to think that it's not a good thing. But now I say that it isn't really bad, because, at the rate it's going, just being friends with this person is more than enough for me to go on with my daily life in an inspired/motivated/happy state. And THAT, I trust, is good.

I am happy. I hope you are too.