Signs and Decisions
Posted at 02:04 AM
Okay, this is really weird.
I have always wanted to become a painter...to teach others how to
paint, and to help people. I have always wanted to be a teacher, to
make a difference in people's lives. However, I have decided to give
up on that dream--just around two months ago, and I cried so hard of
all the sadness I felt about giving up on something that I really loved.
Then, recently, things happened that I just couldn't ignore them:
First, I thought I had the best luck in the world, because when me and
my mom went to National Bookstore, I found a life drawing book that
used to be PhP1,600 on sale for PhP300. I was thinking if I should buy
it, because at that time I knew that I already had given up on painting
and I really didn't need it. But for some reason my hands never let go
of the book, and as me and mom went to pay in the counter, I ended up
paying for it as well.
Second, I suddenly visited my DeviantArt site and I noticed that the
last artwork I did was over a year ago. I wrote a journal, and I
apologized for not updating anymore (although I wouldn't really know if
people would care, since it's been a year), but surprisingly, there
were a few comments. It may be a few, but there were comments. And
they did say they missed my works. I was slightly fascinated that
people still remembered me, or even bothered to read what I was
babbling about.
Third, around less than a week ago, I received a text message from a
friend in college, which was forwarded from our college professor. It
was an invitation to
join an exhibit. I wasn't really up to it, mainly because I had my own expenses
and I didn't think I could spare any more money.
Fourth, just a few days ago, I realized how tired I am with running
away from the things that I wanted the most. I have been avoiding
these things mainly because, if I'm going to think practically, it's
not going to help me earn money as fast as I could. But living this
kind of life has become most taxing; my health and emotions suffer each
and every day. I suddenly felt old, tired and depressed.
Fifth, just yesterday, I was able to talk with (by chance) my former
classmate in college. He said he was going to take take up masters
degree. I was hurt to a point, mainly because of envy, that other
people actually have the means to realize their dreams and I have to
fend for myself. But all the while I was talking to him, it came to a
point that we were talking about things that we wanted to do (since we
always go to this kind of conversation), and he himself is not
satisfied with what's happening with his life, so he decided to give it
a shot. By observing him, I noticed that we aren't really that
different. He decided that we could help each other, and right then I
made the first decision of many: I am going to school on Friday, talk
to my former professors and ask for a referral letter to get a Masters
Degree.
Sixth, also yesterday, I was still confused and torn, and my most
patient and caring other half talked to me about it. He said that he
wanted to see me do things that I want to do. He even remembered the
time when I cried to him when I decided to give up on my dream, and he
admitted to me that I was in so much despair that he felt his own heart
being torn out. He then told me that he doesn't want me to cry like
that anymore...and all of a sudden, he wanted me to read "The
Alchemist". I was surprised, since he really wasn't the reading type,
but he said the book will help me, so I downloaded an e-book and gave
it a shot.
Seventh. I was reading the first parts of the book and it made me even
more confused with that big decision that I'm going to make. Sure,
it's good to talk
big about following your dreams, but as the book progressed on, and I read
about the challenges and soon I realized: I have been doing things the
wrong way. I have been over-analyzing things and was being too practical to
the extent that I was forgetting what happiness was. And all this
time, all these years, all I ever wanted was to be happy. But I didn't
really make any action to pursue it. So it remained ever elusive; and
I felt trapped.
Eighth, I suddenly received a message from an old classmate, way back in
Elementary/Primary School. She was asking me how was I doing. I
looked up her profile and I saw very familiar things: she is a member
of the Art Association of the Philippines, which I used to be a member,
and is now a professor. Again, my heart burned with envy. I wanted to
be just like that. But
instead of nursing that little pang of pain, I opened up a conversation and
told her that I want to be like her.
Ninth. When I closed the message window and refreshed a page, an
update from another classmate from Elementary had a quote that was
stated in the book. It went like this:
"Whenever your heart is, there you'll
find your treasure. You've got to find
the treasure, so that everything you
have learned along the way can make
sense."
So tell me: is it just me and my wishful thinking, or is it a sign that I should, this time, pursue what I have always wanted?
I
know, I know...it's also easy to say that those are signs for me, but
signs are signs, and reality is reality. I am weighing things down,
mainly on my financial needs, because if I have any chance of getting a
Masters Degree, I would have to have money, or a way to earn money.
Working in a call center is not going to help me at all, not unless
they have day shifts, or part-times.
Well, I wouldn't know if getting this degree will be impossible or not unless I try, right?
So yes, here I am, and I am going to try. I know there are things that I need to
sacrifice,
and there will be a breaking point where I would just want to give up,
but God help me, I don't want to live my life in a call center
anymore. I tried, believe me, for FOUR years, I tried to make myself
love my job, but it just isn't working. It's not what my heart wants.
It's not what I would want for my children. It's not something that I
would allow myself to be subjected to, again. I want to paint, and I
want to teach how to paint. That was what I
have always wanted.
And I still want to be that.
So help me, God.
